Ta ta 2008. Here's to life in 2009

I have never been this glad to say goodbye to a year. 2008 is one tumultuous year for me to say the least. Health and wealth took a U-turn in a completely unexpected way. In my darkest hour, however, there are bright spots in the moral support from family, colleagues and friends who brought so much comfort.

Radiation therapy ended two weeks ago, bringing the second part of my treatment to a close. Side effects are minimal and the skin of the affected area is slowly returning from 'leathery' to normal. There are hardly signs of burnt skin, only some redness as if I've been out in the sun long. Spent a great deal of my time finishing the leave entitlement for 2008 and staying away from crowded places.

Just been to a TCM doctor, one of the many that I will encounter in my quest to seek herbal balance in my well-being after the trauma of the chemo and radiation onslaught. With hormonal therapy next on the cards, I hope to survive the 'clash of the civilisations' with little side effect or complications.

Here's to life, health and peace of mind in 2009!!

Sunnybunny

Can't wait to say goodbye to 2008

Time really flies. I'm now mid-way through the radiation therapy. Side effects are relatively minimal as the expected redness around the treated area has yet to turn up. I'm assured that if it does, it will be gone within a short time. Fatigue continues to be the main drag on my well-being. Earlier this week, knee joint stiffness was mistaken for bone pain, setting off paranoidal fears of cancer returning to the bones.

Looking forward to my son No.2 returning home for 2 months. I can sure use some mother-son bonding time.

December looks to be atypical in terms of workload. With half the desk gone on leave, I'm busier than usual covering for my staff as reports have to be prepared for clients who are increasingly demanding explanations for their reduction of wealth (from the effects of the financial distress).

Have to make this short as I'm poring over the tons of analyst reports before I hit the sack.

sunnybunny

The next phase of treatment is pleasantly light

After a week, which is also the 1st of five, of radiotherapy, I'm none the worse for the experience. The after effect of slight fatigue was felt but easily overcome with more rest. The scheduling is to fit my work hours as I take the last slot so that I return home for rest. The cumulative effects of fatigue, small joint stiffness and some tan on affected areas are to be felt only mid-way through. So, save for the inconvenience of having to make daily trips for a few seconds of rad beaming, this phase of my treatment is easy on the body.

Diet-wise, there has been no major changes. Now looking up literature, talking to fellow patients for TCM boost for the body that has been wrecked by chemo drugs in the past 5 months. Eu Yan Sang, the Chinese herbalist shop I'm told, is more reliable in terms of product quality. With the current global scare about China's creative ways of speeding and increasing output of anything she plans to produce, one cannot be more careful about goods from there.

The year 2008 is coming to an end. To say that it has been eventful for me is an understatement. Similarly, the global economy has gone through a credit and the resultant economic shock and is currently undergoing treatment via bailout and fiscal measures policy makers around the world are putting forth. Like me, treatment is necessary before it can get back on its feet. Too often the world forgets that the patient's fever has to run its course before the intended benefits of treatment are seen.

Daily we are bombarded by unrelenting media forecast on how 2009 is going to be worse for the economy. We'll have to be more prudent, batten the hatches and seek help if necessary while waiting for the storm to be over. As for me it is also time to reflect and make changes, spending more time on myself and what I would like to do. Hopefully, economic considerations do not weigh too heavily in these plans. Like everyone, I pray that the recession is not a fat 'U'.

It's not over until the fat lady sings. The fat lady sang last Thurs

The roughest part of my treatment is finally over!!. Last Thurs I had my 6th and last chemo shot with minimal side effects, dispensing, to my pleasant surprise, the need for the usual afternoon rest. I was all perked up and raring to celebrate with a nice lunch and some shopping for the strong pipeline of social get togethers.

My radiation therapy starts on 17 Nov. Dr Lee, the doctor taking care of me is again another professional in whom I have confidence. His patience in fielding my hundred and one questions relating to the next leg of my treatment is highly commendable.

My red blood cell count has returned to 10+ level and should be on its way to the pre-chemo days of high 12. My dietary discipline will now be put to a test after recent relaxation on account of "eat whatever you desire as after all the drug will help rid the toxins". Back to healthy salads, more juices, steamed/braised food. What's more, hair growth is noted after the 5th cycle. On my way for the Joan of Arc look.

After a long break, I returned last Saturday to the museum volunteer guiding scene with what I consider a truly satisfying tour on the "Doubleness" exhibition by renowned Taiwanese photojournalist, Chang Chien Chi at the NMS (National Museum of Singapore). The lives of those in the photos make me realise that my plight is not the end of the world when compared to some whose lives are a 'living hell' on earth for a much protracted period.

I'll be joining the support group for breast cancer patients in 2009 when my radiation therapy is completed, to share my experience with fellow patients. My message to them focuses on positive thinking, exercise, yoga, discipline and especially blogging to transfer stress and depression.

sunnybunny

Blogging is so therapeutic

A friend of mine emailed me an article suggesting that blogging is good for cancer patients. I cannot agree more with this notion. Since my diagnosis, I started my blog with various intentions in mind but chief is the need to 'release' tension from hidden fear and stress of the unknown and unventured. While the frequency of my blogs has abated to once every 3 weeks or so, I still feel the immense relief whenever I pen my thoughts on coming treatments and sometimes what I consider needless medical interventions.

Life is starting to take on a more predictable rhythm. Barley green drink first thing in the morning, yoga while waiting for the body to absorb the nutrients of the drink, breakfast, newspapers, and, getting ready for work. At work, great effort is taken not to be stressed by financial market volatility, something quite difficult to wish away these days. Calling it a day whenever I feel I've completed an honest day's work. No wonder I went through my 5th cycle last Thurs feeling like nothing out of the ordinary. But wait! I actually completed the 5th shot and am ready on the 23 of this month to finish the final chemo shot. The prospect of a 5-week radiation course thereafter seems like 'small beer' in comparison.

There are many things to look forward to: less restrictive diet, hair re-growth, a new lease of life, more get-together with friends, etc. An important promise which I'm going to keep - help in the support group for breast cancer patients. High on my list is encouraging them to start a blog.

Sunnybunny

Felt strangely surreal on my 1st day back at work

Returned to office 2 days ago after more than 3 months of absence. The desk is still there, wiped clean with all electronic-based system switched on at 9am as welcome. Like to think it was not done to avoid delay in my having to deal with the tumultuous conditions in the financial markets. The past months of rest have the effect of making feel somewhat detached from the on-going crisis, a surprising departure from my usual immersion in similar events that have dotted my career in the past 25 years or so. Yes, I saw the volatile price movements on the screen but yet felt strangely calm. Perhaps my medical condition has unconsciously made me more philosophical about what's happening currently.

My work routine is going to be flexible, thanks to an understanding boss. Working hours will fit how my body feels in the day. Hopefully, work pressure will be kept at bay until I'm fitter to cope with it. If not, the appeal of early retirement beckons.

My 5th cycle starts tomorow. The week following it is one that is gastronomically delightful. To start off, one of my long-time friend from our Golden Girls Club is here in town to have her cousin whip up a 'not-to-missed' Hari Raya brunch. It is followed by daily lunch appointments with work associates who can't wait to catch up with me.

Health-wise, trying hard to stick to the straight and narrow path of healthy eating, yoga and walks. As the chemo treatment comes to an end in mid Oct, I'm starting to prepare myself to return to a fuller social life in museum-guiding activities.

sunnybunny

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

The 4th chemo cycle which started yesterday was a breeze. Drug used was no longer the hard-hitting Epirubicin administered in the first three. Instead, Taxotere, a lighter drug in terms of after-effect discomfort was given; it will be this for the 5th and 6th cycles. I spent today much in rest, awaiting the expected after-effect of slight fatigue. It came but went off after a short nap in the afternoon. No nausea.

Back to Epirubicin. It was indeed strong going by the falling haemoglobin level (red blood cell count) since the start of the chemo session. I used to be a high 12 on haemoglobin and has since seen the level lowered steadily to the latest count of 8+. Any lower, blood transfusion has to be introduced. The attendant risks of this are high enough to prompt Dr Khoo to give me an iron injection. It certainly cost a lot ($1500) to bring back some colour to my cheeks. Hopefully, this, like the white cell booster shot, will stave the need for blood transfusion. It was comforting to know that the chemo drug's suppression of red blood cells is temporary. I should be able to return to my normal levels by Dec. What a relief! Meantime, food rich in iron is to be eaten in greater quantity.

My kind boss in HK has given me more days for medical leave by allowing chemo sessions as time off work. So, instead of reporting for work on Sep 10, I need report only on 21st, which is to be extended, much to my annoyance, by yet another week on account of the F1 race taking place during that period. Roads and car-park inaccessibility means that I'll have to take public transport to work, a prospect I do not relish given the almost sanitised atmosphere I'm subject to in the past 3 months. Having come this far I'm not risking infection to derail my chemo program. No wonder they say that women come from Venus and men from Mars. Cannot see what this excitement from testerone-laden car racing fanatics is all about.

Now that I'v passed the half-way mark, am looking forward to the completion of the course and am thinking hard the past days on how to celebrate its end.

sunnybunny

Halfway there

Can't believe that I'm done with three cycles and that I'm halfway through the entire course. The following three are expected to be less taxing with the change of medicine to be administered. After effects were minimal this round or perhaps my tolerance threshold has been raised.

Life is taking on a greater semblance of normalcy. I did not feel like I was on medical leave in the past 3 weeks. Went to office to tend to some work issues, interview candidates and did midyear reviews with staff. Cannot take a type A woman out of a patient I guess.

Now that diarrhoea is no longer a problem, at least immediately after the chemo shots, I can resume my juice routine. During the time when I was less fibre-tolerant, spray-dried barley green and beet in powder form was a good alternative source of anti-oxidant.

Had my first snow-skin mooncake today and it was bliss to taste it. Sure glad that Christmas is after my course.

Sunnybunny

The 2nd cycle came and went with less discomfort

The 2nd cycle ended last Saturday with very much reduced discomfort. Besides the expected tiredness on the 3rd and 4th day, nausea and appetite loss were minimal. Looking forward to being up and about soon.

The marvel of modern medicine. I had booster shots to increase my white blood cell (WBC) count and I termed them 'reinforcements' in my previous blog. It's more like the national guards being called in. The blood test report revealed a significant improvement in my WBC from 1.42 to 9.66, a necessary morale-boosting sign to tackle the coming regimes.

The best decision I've made in my preparation was to shave my head. Loss of hair occurring from 2nd week onwards was manageable and I had so much fun trying on combination of wigs and scarves, hats.

The drive to the hospital for jabs is a welcome break from being house-bound. The scenery along the way is refreshing and in some way, comforting to give a 'glad to be alive' feeling.

Starting too to work longer hours from home in between rest and relaxation before Korean soap operas. Don't know how long I can last viewing such drama before boredom sets in given the typical 'Pride n Prejudice', 'My fair lady' or 'Pretty Woman' story-lines.

sunnybunny

Settling down to the routine

It's been a few days since I last blogged. Kept busy with activities previously considered mundane but now appreciated as chores that make me feel normal. Continue to comb the city for healthy food as my appetite returns to normal. Today am hosting a small tea party for some friends who have to declare perfect state of health before joining. Looking forward to it as it is the first serious encounter of the personal kind in more than a month.

The series of booster jabs to build up my white cells has ended with minimal side-effects save for some back muscle aches on the 3rd day.

Spirit is up and staying positive. The next treatment starts coming Thurs. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Sunnybunny

Reinforcement called upon

Had my first blood test today to determine if my white blood cell count is low enough to require a booster shot. Result was as expected and the first booster injection was administered. It will be followed by another 3 to be spaced out over the week. My body needs these reinforcement to wage successful war against potential virus attackers and to rebuild immunity after recent toxic invasion.

Dr Khoo, my oncologist, was satisfied with my progress and ability to handle side effects of the chemo injections and has assured that the next round would be similar in dose and body response. What a relief!

My body seems to be getting back to normal. Appetite has returned, nausea has taken a back seat and tiredness is much reduced. Now I need to nap only once a day. So far, no mouth ulcers too!

Increasingly, boredom should be setting in as I mope around the house for lengths of time to which I'm unaccustomed. But then I remind myself that soon I'll be adjusting to the 2nd cycle of injections all over again.

Sunnybunny

A funny thing happened on the way to the clinic

The last thing I expect at a time like this is to appear on some MediaCorp CNA programme on breast cancer, sans face. The real star of course is my breast surgeon, Dr Wee Siew Bock. I'm there as part of the props. In fact only my hand and lip movements while in consultation were shot. So much for my matching bandana and outfit.

It all started with the clinic asking if I mind being filmed during the consultation. I thought if this is my way of contributing to the enlightenment of all females potentially at risk, why not. What could have been a 20-min check-up lasted more than an hour after several takes of the same shot. By the end of it all both doctor and I felt exhausted having to repeat the questions and answers to get that perfect shot. We even thought of talking about the weather just to stretch time. Well it finally ended with both of us agreeing that we cannot make a serious living in front of cameras.

The Hollywood trip aside, the side-effects of nausea have subsided significantly although they do have a mysterious way of revisiting when least expected. Appetite is returning although portions still meagre.

Planning to go for my first walk later this evening to check on neighbours' garden plants and irritate their dogs.

sunnybunny

One down, five to go

Yesterday was my 3rd and last injection for the first cycle. The cumulative effects of the chemicals are finally setting in. I experienced fatigue with a capital F. Nausea was not far away although, thankfully, I managed to hold on to what I ate. These days, side effects management is so advanced. I had anti-nausea drip and given pills before treatment. The first and foremost priority is still to keep myself hydrated. Can't wait to see the side effect go..

Haven't worn my wigs yet. One is indeed funky as my hair stylist thought it so 'me'. I look like I'm on the Cats musical set. The other is bit more sedate although it has the nice ash gray highlight. Have to look my age now.

There's enough caps, scarves, bandanas, beanies to keep me co-ordinated sartorially in the meantime.

My 3-week cycle works this way : 1st week of fatigue, 2nd week of low immuno and 3rd week of recovery. It is in the last week that I 'm up to visitors.

Audio books are such great inventions. Whenever I'm kept awake in between my pee breaks, I tune in to Peter Mayle's Provence adventures which are delightful description of how an English couple who set up home in Provence, France encountered cross-cultural situations from interaction with neighbours. It was recommended by a friend who went through similar recuperation needs.

Must turn in early again. Feeling fatigued already.

sunnybunny

2nd day went well

The 2nd day went by without a hitch although the effects are snowballing. Napped a lot more and nausea still lingering although thankfully did not throw up. The 3-week cycle is marked as such : tiredness in 1st week, low immuno in 2nd and recovery in 3rd which means that getting together with friends should take place once every 3 weeks.

Dutifully taking my quota of fruit juice, cooling herbal teas to drive the 'heatiness' away. Touch wood no signs of mouth ulcers. Have to continue with discipline to stick to soft, clean tasting and avoid fried or grilled foods. I must say it's tough for a foodie like me.

Encouragement, support and advice for which I'm really grateful continue to pour in.

Turning in early tonight.
Sunnybunny

It has finally started!

My first day of treatment. The nurse was wonderfully patient and caring. She explained as the process continues, reaffirmed the many tips and advice relating to body reaction, food, rest and relaxation. It wasn't as bad or frightful as I expected. In fact it seemed like a prolonged saline injection.

Met a Uni friend at the clinic. His sister has 3rd stage stomach cancer and already had 3 chemo treatments to shrink the tumor before surgery. Her prognosis was good as her oncologist said that the tumor has shrunk considerably such that she could go for an operation to remove it. Very comforting indeed.

The medication took effect quickly and true to Dr Khoo's expectations I felt tired and had a good nap after I returned home. Feelings of nausea were dealt with by deep breathing exercises. Thinking back cannot help but feel that my 5 years of yoga breathing exercises were preparation for this eventuality.

Had a light meal of fish porridge which was fully retained. Very satisfied with the tentative progress I'm making. Tomorrow is another day and am curious to know what challenges lie ahead for my body.

Sunnybunny

A brand new experience

I shaved my head today in preparation for tomorrow. Having worn my hair in various styles all through my life, seeing them fall as the shaver mowed through the locks was an experience I find unforgettable. In a way I felt more relieved that I'm seeing them go in their healthy state than to find them dull and lifeless on my pillow - a sight that will surely greet me into the first week or so of chemo. Vicariously I could feel how an NS recruit or a nun would have felt - an act of staying away from the familiar and embarking on a new chapter in one's life.

I came home to my younger son's eagerness to give his feedback on what would look hip on me. Very useful tips he gave on the wigs, bandanas and beanies. He's accompanying me to the chemo tomorrow and he could just put on his headgear as show of support.

My hair stylist said that the shape of my head is round and I must say that as I look into the mirror, I can accept how I look now and with some creativity, style whatever 'cranial prothesis' (medical term for wigs to claim for insurance purposes) to suit the occasion. I might even go 'au naturel'. I think I have the self confidence to do so.

Sunnybunny

Rest day

Yesterday was a red letter day. I received my GCIA Certificate from the Dean of NUS Law Faculty in a simple and short ceremony witnessed by family members. I'm now a newly minted International Arbitrator. At brunch with them at Eden Santuary at Rochester Park, I felt at peace with the world, dining amidst green surroundings and tucking into healthy fare. I hope they will frequent it as much as I intend to.

The chemo day is nearing and what's left to be done over the next few days must be completed as I finally start my battle with the new 'invaders'. More clarity from friends and oncologist on what to expect in terms of side effects and how to overcome them are all so comforting.

Today is a day of rest which I define not as simply 'doing nothing' and lazing around. It is one filled with a touch of excitement as I meet for the first time my future in-laws over lunch. A bit of meditation in the afternoon capped in the evening with a concert to soothe my soul.

SunnyBunny

Productive day

Running errands to ensure as much preparation as possible for the big day. Got 2 funky wigs and left them with my trusty hair stylist to trim and colour to fit my looks and personality. Got even more bandanas and beanie caps to suit my mood and wardrobe. Even went to office and had a chat with my boss to make arrangements working from home during chemo treatment. Had my IT help fixing the Bloomberg connection to my Blackberry.

My lunch partner gave useful tips. No going out to avoid germs, that fatal sneeze in a crowded lift. Sweating is a far better means of getting toxins out of the body than urinating. Hence, exercises during treatment is highly recommended. Audio books from the library is advisable since reading can be straining after awhile. Must make a list of what to borrow to pass time during chemo.

Quite perversely, am looking forward to the coming ordeal.

Sunnybunny

Decision day

Today is an important day. Finally came to terms with my decision to proceed with chemotherapy. My trust in my oncologist, medical advances and above all, the lack of a choice if I want to reduce the odds of recurrence from one in two to one in five are all essential drivers.

Much has been done to prepare myself mentally for the eventual side-effects of the treatment. Strange as it may sound, I'm actually looking forward to the challenge of ensuring that life in every aspect should be as normal as possible. Knowing the concoctions of ABC organic and wheat grass juice, shaven head, real hair wig styled and coloured to my liking are just some of the preparations for this rough ride.

Well-meaning friends and survivors have told of success stories and experiences of the fight with this nasty cell. Mine is stage 2, still considered early and for which treatment stands a good chance of succcess.

On Thursday next, my first sparring with the enemy will begin. Until then, I'm getting ready for a good fight. Lots of rest, mental and physical preparation and yoga. Family support has been great.

Sunnybunny

my debut blog

According to my lunar calendar, I should be fifty eight and moving towards a new chapter in my life when I enjoy the fruits of my marriage, child-birth and work. Somehow, it felt surreal as the twilight years are not tempting enough for me to give up or slow down. I still have zest, hence my blog name sunnybunny. I'm a rabbit by Lunar calendar and have always believed that those born under this animal sign generally have a blessed and charmed life. Everything in career and family is smooth generally. I now head 3 units within investment advisory in a private bank, earns the respect from my staff and management, has 2 mature, responsible sons, a supportive retired husband and my crowning glory to be demonstrated this Saturday when I receive my graduate certificate for NUS International Arbitration Course. A non-law graduate and one who has not done any tests under exam conditions for the last 30 years, I'm happy that I passed it and obtained good grades at that.

So why the pensiveness? I discovered I had breast cancer 2 weeks ago, was operated a week later and about to see my oncologist tomorow. It is an understatement that the past 2 weeks went through like a fastforward sequence on a video. It was long enough however to prepare myself mentally for the rough journey to come, thanks to support from family, office and friends. I'm not about to give up and have said to my friends that I'm not handed capital punishment. My sentence of fine, caning and imprisonment still gives me hope for freedom at the end of the ordeal.

Will continue tomorow... Some friends are here to see me...

Sunnybunny